Intentions for the New Year: Visions for 2016

Astounding, isn't it, how time and information can rewrite all our intentions for the future? I started writing this blog entry not but three weeks ago, shortly after its predecessor, posted on January 11th, 2016. So much has changed in that time, I had to scratch it all and write anew. Luckily, I've also found encouraging outlooks for this upcoming year, and am quite excited for my challenges. Sure, it might not be as exciting or extreme as some, but I believe in calculated risks. Seeing as we're about to crest into the year of the Fire Monkey, I believe calculated risks are, in fact, the name of the game.

As a Capricorn, I often forget that my changes are slow, but deliberate, so as to avoid plummeting from the heights I refuse to stop climbing. I certainly got smacked down recently by trying to move too fast too soon.

One previous goal for this year was to attempt implantation, the final stage in In-Vitro Fertilization (read more about our struggle to have children here). Several factors will be delaying that goal, and I'm not entirely sure we're upset about it; in fact, we both seem more than a little relieved. This situation became complicated when it came time to pay for the annual embryo freezing. The embryos, currently being held in Colorado, were to be transferred to a nearby clinic (in Maryland) so that we could do implantation here. We were told that if we transferred them before January 30th, they would refund the annual freezing fee. So, of course, we scrambled to find a location. Luckily, one of the largest and most reliable fertility clinics is right down the street from us - Shady Grove Fertility. Unfortunately, they will not accept the transfer, citing that it would be safer if I flew back to Colorado for implantation. Complication number one.

Okay, so now we have to work with a facility in Maryland to prepare me (with hormones, thyroid monitoring, and pre-implantation tests) under the supervision and direction of my doctor in Colorado, which means we'll be, yet again, paying out of pocket for the majority of the work AND it's price has increased since we started this process in 2013, up to $4,500 from $3,300. Luckily, this time our insurance will simply see them as "out of network", which means there will be a limit to how much we might pay. My health insurance agent and I had to enroll me in a different health insurance policy to better suit my needs, since the one I chose is not cost effective and isn't accepted in either facility. But with all of this financial and insurance frustration, we found out that there is no rush - end complication number two (which took up so much of my free time and energy in the last week or so that I cannot attest to any other work being accomplished - no wonder some women become stay-at-home moms!).

Complication number three: My husband and I were under the impression that I should try to have children sooner than later, as I would have an increased risk of miscarrying the older I was when starting the process. However, after speaking with the fertility specialist here in Maryland, it does not matter how old the carrier is so long as the embryos are from a woman 35 years old or younger (i.e. the age of the embryos is the only one of concern). Seeing as I had them frozen when I was 32, then we are effectively safe. In fact, the biggest risk to our success right now is my Body Mass Index (BMI). Mine, unfortunately, is at least 33, and the doctor would prefer it to be closer to 25 - which means loosing about 60 lbs. So, it would make sense to wait in any possible case in order to reduce my BMI before attempting implantation. However, I cannot create a workout routine (or a regular eating and sleeping habit, for that matter), until I get a job. This particular complication may work itself out, as it has already begun.

My husband and I have both agreed that the smartest thing for me to do would be to find massage work so that I may continue to work on my own projects. It'll be easier to find work as a massage therapist, it would allow me to start working sooner than later, and I could make a decent amount with only three or four days a week, as opposed to any other full-time work, which would demand five days a week. I'm not even thinking twice about it because I'm just so excited for my other projects. Now that my time is dedicated to reducing my BMI instead of jumping into pregnancy, I can also take the time to challenge myself as a filmmaker.

You see, most of my work in film school was helping other people complete their projects. Sometimes my work can be seen in the audio/visual medium, but, for the most part, the quality of my work is not reflected in the quality of the final product. Though this has made me keenly aware that I should start making available my strip boards and budget breakdowns for people to see first-hand what I do, it has also made me realize - I need a comprehensive reel. As Jim Carrey so astutely put it, "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

All that said, I've dreamt up a challenge for myself, but I'm not ready to share it yet. I believe the work speaks for itself, and I'm getting ready to do the work. When the work is done, I will assuredly share it. But for now, no pressure, just following my curiosity so that I may be stronger and more prepared to dare. Now, I know this all seems a bit scatter-brained, but it all came together into two major challenges, and one hope, for 2016: create a habit of working out and nutrition in order to loose weight, make more films to add to my reel, and then our hope is to travel internationally before the end of the year. Yes, implantation is in our future, but for now we have to relinquish our illusion of control over when it will happen.

For those of you who have already finished Liz Gilbert's podcast (assigned from the previous blog post), I invite you to listen to her talk on Oprah's Super Soul Sessions. I am one of those people Liz talks about who has so many different interests and who is so good at so many things that I meander, and I often look at myself like 'what's wrong with me'. A career has never interested me, though owning my own business has always interested me. It is comforting, however, to hear someone else say it's okay to meander because at least you are still searching for your vocation, your calling. At least you have interests, and who cares what they amount to. Embracing my life's work has been my guiding star, regardless of how long it takes me. Thank you, Ms. Gilbert, for articulating exactly what is NOT wrong with people like me. By the way, I am also a Monkey, so it's no wonder I'm jazzed for the upcoming year - it's my year to shine! May this also be a year where my Capricorn and Monkey tendencies can finally work together. For those of you who may be Monkeys as well, this is supposed to be the year where you set your intentions for the next twelve years, so feel free to evaluate and re-evaluate what you want your future to look like. I know I will be!

Should you be interested in your own forecast for the Year of the Fire Monkey, I highly recommend Suzanne White's 2016 New Astrology Horoscopes - they are "new" because she combines both the Chinese and Western astrology types. It's just enough information to satiate one's curiosity but not so much where one might obsessively read the forecast for every waking moment. As for me, I eagerly look forward to what I can do with this opportunity of time and intention. First step? Keep up with my daily workout routine so I have the energy to play!

What are your intentions for the New Year? Where have you found inspiration?

As Liz would say, let's keep the conversation going!
Cheers,
*~K~*