Intentions for the New Year: Visions for 2016

Astounding, isn't it, how time and information can rewrite all our intentions for the future? I started writing this blog entry not but three weeks ago, shortly after its predecessor, posted on January 11th, 2016. So much has changed in that time, I had to scratch it all and write anew. Luckily, I've also found encouraging outlooks for this upcoming year, and am quite excited for my challenges. Sure, it might not be as exciting or extreme as some, but I believe in calculated risks. Seeing as we're about to crest into the year of the Fire Monkey, I believe calculated risks are, in fact, the name of the game.

As a Capricorn, I often forget that my changes are slow, but deliberate, so as to avoid plummeting from the heights I refuse to stop climbing. I certainly got smacked down recently by trying to move too fast too soon.

One previous goal for this year was to attempt implantation, the final stage in In-Vitro Fertilization (read more about our struggle to have children here). Several factors will be delaying that goal, and I'm not entirely sure we're upset about it; in fact, we both seem more than a little relieved. This situation became complicated when it came time to pay for the annual embryo freezing. The embryos, currently being held in Colorado, were to be transferred to a nearby clinic (in Maryland) so that we could do implantation here. We were told that if we transferred them before January 30th, they would refund the annual freezing fee. So, of course, we scrambled to find a location. Luckily, one of the largest and most reliable fertility clinics is right down the street from us - Shady Grove Fertility. Unfortunately, they will not accept the transfer, citing that it would be safer if I flew back to Colorado for implantation. Complication number one.

Okay, so now we have to work with a facility in Maryland to prepare me (with hormones, thyroid monitoring, and pre-implantation tests) under the supervision and direction of my doctor in Colorado, which means we'll be, yet again, paying out of pocket for the majority of the work AND it's price has increased since we started this process in 2013, up to $4,500 from $3,300. Luckily, this time our insurance will simply see them as "out of network", which means there will be a limit to how much we might pay. My health insurance agent and I had to enroll me in a different health insurance policy to better suit my needs, since the one I chose is not cost effective and isn't accepted in either facility. But with all of this financial and insurance frustration, we found out that there is no rush - end complication number two (which took up so much of my free time and energy in the last week or so that I cannot attest to any other work being accomplished - no wonder some women become stay-at-home moms!).

Complication number three: My husband and I were under the impression that I should try to have children sooner than later, as I would have an increased risk of miscarrying the older I was when starting the process. However, after speaking with the fertility specialist here in Maryland, it does not matter how old the carrier is so long as the embryos are from a woman 35 years old or younger (i.e. the age of the embryos is the only one of concern). Seeing as I had them frozen when I was 32, then we are effectively safe. In fact, the biggest risk to our success right now is my Body Mass Index (BMI). Mine, unfortunately, is at least 33, and the doctor would prefer it to be closer to 25 - which means loosing about 60 lbs. So, it would make sense to wait in any possible case in order to reduce my BMI before attempting implantation. However, I cannot create a workout routine (or a regular eating and sleeping habit, for that matter), until I get a job. This particular complication may work itself out, as it has already begun.

My husband and I have both agreed that the smartest thing for me to do would be to find massage work so that I may continue to work on my own projects. It'll be easier to find work as a massage therapist, it would allow me to start working sooner than later, and I could make a decent amount with only three or four days a week, as opposed to any other full-time work, which would demand five days a week. I'm not even thinking twice about it because I'm just so excited for my other projects. Now that my time is dedicated to reducing my BMI instead of jumping into pregnancy, I can also take the time to challenge myself as a filmmaker.

You see, most of my work in film school was helping other people complete their projects. Sometimes my work can be seen in the audio/visual medium, but, for the most part, the quality of my work is not reflected in the quality of the final product. Though this has made me keenly aware that I should start making available my strip boards and budget breakdowns for people to see first-hand what I do, it has also made me realize - I need a comprehensive reel. As Jim Carrey so astutely put it, "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

All that said, I've dreamt up a challenge for myself, but I'm not ready to share it yet. I believe the work speaks for itself, and I'm getting ready to do the work. When the work is done, I will assuredly share it. But for now, no pressure, just following my curiosity so that I may be stronger and more prepared to dare. Now, I know this all seems a bit scatter-brained, but it all came together into two major challenges, and one hope, for 2016: create a habit of working out and nutrition in order to loose weight, make more films to add to my reel, and then our hope is to travel internationally before the end of the year. Yes, implantation is in our future, but for now we have to relinquish our illusion of control over when it will happen.

For those of you who have already finished Liz Gilbert's podcast (assigned from the previous blog post), I invite you to listen to her talk on Oprah's Super Soul Sessions. I am one of those people Liz talks about who has so many different interests and who is so good at so many things that I meander, and I often look at myself like 'what's wrong with me'. A career has never interested me, though owning my own business has always interested me. It is comforting, however, to hear someone else say it's okay to meander because at least you are still searching for your vocation, your calling. At least you have interests, and who cares what they amount to. Embracing my life's work has been my guiding star, regardless of how long it takes me. Thank you, Ms. Gilbert, for articulating exactly what is NOT wrong with people like me. By the way, I am also a Monkey, so it's no wonder I'm jazzed for the upcoming year - it's my year to shine! May this also be a year where my Capricorn and Monkey tendencies can finally work together. For those of you who may be Monkeys as well, this is supposed to be the year where you set your intentions for the next twelve years, so feel free to evaluate and re-evaluate what you want your future to look like. I know I will be!

Should you be interested in your own forecast for the Year of the Fire Monkey, I highly recommend Suzanne White's 2016 New Astrology Horoscopes - they are "new" because she combines both the Chinese and Western astrology types. It's just enough information to satiate one's curiosity but not so much where one might obsessively read the forecast for every waking moment. As for me, I eagerly look forward to what I can do with this opportunity of time and intention. First step? Keep up with my daily workout routine so I have the energy to play!

What are your intentions for the New Year? Where have you found inspiration?

As Liz would say, let's keep the conversation going!
Cheers,
*~K~*

Strengths, Talents, and Divination

Happy New Moon in Libra! Well... it was the New Moon. Now we're about halfway to the Full Moon in Taurus (a.k.a. The Hunters Moon) on October 27th.

Okay, so maybe it's not always something to celebrate, but I've made it a habit to break out the tarot cards every New Moon to reflect and make a conscious effort to make the next "moon", or month, an improvement. It's a routine that keeps me balanced, and this Libra Moon was all about balance. In fact, not just about the need for balance, but also in what ways I'm already juggling, maintaining the balancing act.

Two of Cups symbolizes the juggling act in order to maintain balance. Photo courtesy of Shadowscapes.com

Let me back up...

I've been doing this series of classes on Lynda.com by Dave Crenshaw, the first of which is called "Discovering Your Strengths". Oh, please... I've been doing these kind of evaluations all of my life. I know what my strengths are; there's just no easy way to make use of those strengths. But, it's the first in the series, and I didn't want to continue half-assed. So, I discovered my strengths. What's funny to me is how spot on my "talents" coordinate with my intended professional path: teaching college and making films. Not one or the other, mind you. I actually need the balance to help drive me forward. Like a friend once told me, it's like two people climbing really tall stairs; one pushes or pulls the other up, keeping their momentum going. But it's so difficult to show someone that I have a talent for teaching when that's not what my background is in or managing when I don't have a M.B.A. That's where I hope this exercise will come in handy.

In order to discover a "talent", one first must determine their gifts, loves, and skills. This requires a series of worksheets, evaluating multiple mentions, and then comparing the three to see if there is, in fact, a "talent". These talents can identify what you would be best at doing professionally. Below is the culmination of the three previous worksheets to show what my supposed "talents" are:

You might have guessed one of the items listed under "gifts" was organizing - I'm good at it and it comes easily to me, but I have little love for it - thus, the color-coding. Ask me about Skittles sometime - it's a great story. The strongest two "talents" are in orange and pink, and each have multiple associations. The scribble at the bottom is just the "talent equation".

As you can see, my greatest talent is Interacting and Motivating Others/Interacting with Others/Educating and/or Managing (orange). I'm a very project-oriented person, and I prefer working with people more than technology, so I tend to manage or lead projects. But I have a strong background in education, so my talent lends itself to educating. This was a HUGE light bulb for me. Even when I was a full-time massage therapist I would take the extra time to explain my observations, what was likely going on with a client's body, and what kind of techniques they could employ between sessions to improve their progress. I was assuming the responsibility of an educator, and was sincerely disappointed when someone wouldn't be interested in the information. Don't they want to help themselves get better? Unfortunately, the answer is often "no" because they want someone else to make them feel better (which, by the by, no one can make anyone feel better, but you could allow yourself to feel better with assistance... but I digress). If I were in an environment where people knew they were there to learn, however, I think people would be much more receptive to what I have to offer.

The Magician of the Major Arcana represents grasping the unseen and harnessing it to become reality. This immediately made me think of my next major "step", obtaining my Master's Degree in order to qualify to teach on the collegiate level. Photo courtesy of Shadowscapes.com

My secondary talent is quite like the first, except it's Confidently Interacting with Others/Problem Solving/Filmmaking (pink). This equation very much shows why it has been that I tend to assume the role of Producer - it is quintessentially those three things. But this talent also lends itself to being in front of the camera, since Confidently Interacting with Others/Acting/Filmmaking works well, too.

The Page of Wands is a creative, passionate, confident, assured and assertive person. She reminds me of what I am like when I am full of vitality and love. Photo courtesy of Shadowscapes.com

My last major talent, circled in purple, seems to be what I'm doing now - Storytelling and Collecting Stories/Writing and Blogging/Psychology and Interpersonal Growth. This is very much what I do to be a better person, not necessarily what I do to advance professionally.

There was one final talent that I thought was noteworthy, circled in blue - Capable of and enjoys physical challenges (probably why I did massage for so long) + Interacting with Others + Philosophy and Reflection through Activity. For me, this immediately brought to mind my love of Martial Arts. I studied it as a teenager and into my early twenties, but it was difficult to keep up the practice without my dojo and without making enough money to really have a "hobby". Massage became my physical outlet, but it was never the same; it was never a challenge. Now, I've had a craving, if you will, for kickboxing. Nothing philosophical, just pushing myself physically to clear myself mentally and emotionally. This exercise definitely brought into stark light that it isn't just a passion or a gift, it's a skill, and one I do not wish to loose.

XX Judgement of the Major Arcana represents reawakening, hearing a call, making a judgement, and making tough choices. This card reminds me to be brave in the face of success. After all, getting what you want is scary, too. Photo courtesy of Shadowscapes.com

All this to say, I've been studying and reflecting long enough that, in order to keep balance-over-time, I must now take action. It is time to graduate into becoming the teacher as well as the student. I am primed to take my own advice and start failing so that I may succeed. I'm feeling quite confident about my next round for pursuing my long-term plan. It includes kickboxing, children, a new car and house, a Master's Degree, and getting comfy in my new professional groove, balancing teaching and making films. I'm not entirely sure how it will pan out, but I have a plan, and that plan will help to guide me for the future elements I'll have to juggle.

What about you, dear readers? How do you reflect and motivate yourself into action? What's your preferred form of divination? How do you remind yourself of your strengths and talents?

Preparation: A Nugget of Wisdom by K.oss

I believe aptitude tests prepare us for life’s tests. As a massage therapist, it became clear early on that I could not think about what I was doing while I did it. The best way to perform a massage is to study and analyze before the session, and then be free to do the massage. Your preparation for the session will be evident, and no amount of “cramming” or over-analyzing will improve that time. This is especially true when what you do requires that you listen. Any performer, whether in dance, music, or theatre, will tell you that thinking during their performance is the most detrimental thing they can do. Just as you are instructed to get a good night’s rest and clear your mind before the SATs, so should you before doing a job that requires your attention. For this very reason, everyone should support the arts because mastery relies upon preparedness, coping and listening skills, and relinquishing the expectation of what should happen in order to embrace what is happening. Every art form requires these skills, and forces its participants to practice them.

Now that I'm pursuing my next career in filmmaking, I can see that these lessons are foundational. There is good reason for an entire part of the process to be dedicated to Pre-Production, and it is rooted in the understanding that producing films is difficult. There are a million things that can go wrong when you're on set, and pre-production affords you the opportunity to prepare for as many of them as possible. Without proper groudwork, even the most experienced filmmakers will have to employ super-human feats just to get through the day. More importantly, poor preparation robs you of the zen-like experience of just being in the moment. Proper planning sets the stage for a clarity of mind and lightness of heart that one might be inclined to call "happiness". And who wouldn't like to experience joy while creating art?

Today's preoccupation with preparation reminds me of George Clooney and his directorial debut, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Even if you're not a fan of Clooney, the film is totally worth it for the directing and Sam Rockwell, who portrays the double-life of Chuck Barris. For those who would watch it simply to study the film, remember to watch the extras, including commentary! In the extras, Clooney reveals that he spent four months just working on the storyboards. FOUR MONTHS! Now, that's preparation, ladies and gentlemen.

Today's Nugget of Wisdom has been brought to you by my confusion of whether or not I could wish a musician "good luck" before a performance. "It doesn't matter", he reassured me. "Whatever will be, will be." What a great zen attitude.